Another reason why the internet is awesome

The Internet rules. We have grown to accept that and put it behind us. Still, sometimes we forget exactly how large of a series of tubes it really is. Amazing little things slip right through our fingertips as we type in the name of familiar comfort sites like "facebook" and "kevingannon.blogspot.com"

Let me tell you about something, though, my internet faded starlet. Last week I got my totally fucking free McGruff The Crime Dog Gun Safety DVD in the mail and it was awesome. Where did I get it? 

The nets.

A while ago I got my Harley Davidson 2009 Babes and Bikes Calendar which is about to be tossed up on my wall for all to stare at, jaws dropped. How much did that set me back? Zilch, papi. How? 

The in-ets, baby.

So today I thought I would prove a point. To see exactly how much free shit I could get from the Internet within a half hour. It would be hard, but knew there were sites out there to help me on my journey. The clock started at 3:30.

3:35 - Free Cigar

Bingo. Free, hand rolled tobacco from some stupid site. Sure, I have to watch a video for the secret message at the end of it but whatever. I just got my free cigar. BING. 

3:40 - Ergonomic Screwdriver

An awesome screwdriver is now being sent to my house. For nothing. I had to take a pretty long test asking some hard questions like weather OSHA Compliances were more important at my workplace than Inventory Management but it's not too hard to make shit up. Especially if a screwdriver is on the line. SWEET.

3:54 - "Keeping it Rural" Bumper Sticker

This was was from a company that loans farmers money to start up their own little perfect menageries and I thought the sticker looked cool. Actually, I think it looks stupid but it's free so who fucking cares. SCHWING.

3:58 - "Hot Mom Driving" Magnet

There was so little time left before the clock ran out. I saw it, it had the least amount of questions needed and I bounced on it. I'm not to excited about this one but hey, it's free. YEAH!

There you have it folks. The internet is cool yet again:

It literally gives you shit for nothing.

All of these things should be arriving at my door in 3 to 6 weeks. Will gladly take a picture when it does as proof.

BLAST YOU, INTERNET!

It's funny. A few years ago I often found myself tensing up and feeling short of breath when in shitty situations. I felt like doom was inexorable and thought that the wind's breeze was the proverbial breath of death gently tickling my nape. Some call them "Panic Attacks", I called them "Bug Outs". Whatever they were, they went away. I learned to stick my head between my legs as If I was attempting fellatio and thought about the beach. Problem solved.
UNTILL, of course, the assholes at Time Warner Cable ruined my life. Every few hours or so my Internet completely dies. So do the phones. Naturally, my entire family runs to me and I have to drop whatever I'm doing and fix it. Or try to. Whenever I see those lights flashing on my airport base, my blood grows thick and my heart starts racing a little too quickly.
Sticking my head between my legs and thinking about the beach doesn't really help.
Instead, I smoke a cigarette as I go out "to buy some milk" and sneak some whiskey in the coca-cola I bought because we don't actually need milk.
Today the Internet started working on every single computer except my own. I'm on some asshole's wireless Internet and it gets no reception anywhere except the coldest dustiest corner of my house.
Now, my computer has a sick sense of humor and likes to tell me that everything is sunshine and butterscotch when it ain't. That's why when I saw this image I had to take a picture and laugh.
I hope you appreciate it:

Sometimes, I hate Apple products.

p.s
If you haven't listened to my radio show you should. People seem to like it.