A journey.: Key to the Kingdom

I know I have mentioned how much I hate public bathrooms and then said "but that is for another post" at least five times. I'm gonna' compile my woes into one big post eventually but today however, I want to talk about a specific element that I hate.

The bathroom key.

I like privacy. In fact, if it's not a single stall bathroom I'll usually awkwardly wait for everyone to finish up and get out. Every so often you come across a private shitter and it's magical, feels almost like home. These bathrooms are my saving grace and I'm never upset to see that I'm going to be taking care of business in solitude. That is, of course, until I see the worst three words in the world of bathroom etiquette:

"Ask For Key"

I hate this. Sometimes I'll just walk out and take my business to another fine institution who appreciates and respects my urine. Whenever I open a bathroom with a key, I feel like I'm walking into some one's home and pissing on the welcome mat. I feel like I'm starting a car and shitting on the leather. It's just unnatural. Empty bathrooms should never lock.

Why is the door locked? Junkies? Shut up, invest in a broom and get them out the old way. How am I supposed to casually walk up to someone in front of a crowd of people and ask for a key to the bathroom without looking, sounding or feeling like a 2nd grader? Worst, and most disturbing: how many people have touched their genitals and then immediately touched this gigantic, unwashed object attached to the key?

That's the one that gets me. There is always something tied to the key so it does not get lost. I can feel the filth when I touch it. I'm not an asshole like Howie Mandel by any means but it really makes me feel gross. That's why what was handed to me at a Subway's really fucked me up: