I have noticed a disturbing trend in the last two weeks and I can't keep quiet anymore. It has effected my life in ways so tremendous I don't know what to do when I wake up in the morning. When my stomach rumbles I am filled with more burden than desire to eat. I really hate to say this but someone very important in the food world has dropped the ball: Eggos.
Eggo waffles fucking rule. Everyone knows this. Dry, syrupy, hot, cold: it's all good. Their crunchy exterior and delicious soft insides make for a wonderful snack no matter what time it is. Recently I purchased Eggo's Buttermilk waffles. There are thousands of varieties these days but seeing that 4 letter name is decent insurance that you will not be let down.
I popped one of these babies into the toaster and it came out less than stellar. The waffle looked (literally) exactly the same as when I pulled it out of the box. Not wanting to blame the company for what could have been my mistake I thought I should try it again with a higher toaster setting.
Let me say something about my toaster: my toaster could eat your oven. It does not know it's own power and it usually burns the shit out of everything. That means putting it on high guarantees you eating charcoal and almost equally guarantees that someone you love will get hurt.
Standing by this behemoth as it did it's thing was nerve-racking. I tried watching the waffles inside but the heat was too much to bare. I had to stand back prepared for the flying, smoldering hot circles that would soon be shot out of the appliance probably aimed towards my face.
Then it happened. They popped up. I waited a few hours for them to cool down and when I finally got to eat them I was appalled. They looked exactly the same. What the hell is going on here?
This is unacceptable quality coming from such a trusted brand. What could they possibly have done to change the recipe that would make their product not toast? I want to know, seriously, because then I would lather it all over my body and fight fires. I'm all about scientific reasoning so I figured "there is no plausible change in composition (intentionally or not) that could create a fire retardant around this waffle. Must be a bad batch"
Then I went to Carlos' house. Without me saying anything about it, he came out of the kitchen holding a box of buttermilk waffles and said "these things don't toast"
Look at this comparison. It speaks for itself.
Carlos having the same problem was all the evidence I needed. I tried to contact Kellog's about it but they have no phone number for complaining assholes like me. Maybe the lines have been overflowed with angry customers already.
This is a pandamic people. No waffle is safe.
