Friday, January 4, 2008

Angry? Indeed. Confused? A tad.

****ANGST ALERT****
After reading the following I said to myself "Damn. That's angsty". Be warned.
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If you know me for a long time you know that I am not, and never was very good at the whole academia scene. I, quite simply, never really gave a shit or at least one large enough to try. If I was tired and had homework I would go to sleep. If I had a good movie to watch and an essay to write I would watch the movie. If there was a test that needed studying and the sun was out and hitting the asphalt in a particularly beautiful way, I would go for a walk. You get the point.
It was only recently that I was forced to decide to start "doing well" in school. It's been a year and I slip up every so often because you really can't teach an old dog new tricks but more importantly: it still all seems so stupid.
I have these thoughts recently. You see, since I have been doing well in school I have had SO much stress, more than I have ever had in my entire life. The thing that bothers me is every time I face a difficult obstacle (lets say it's a math final) people all around me say "Don't worry, Kev. Once yer' done it will all be over with". I say "That's true" and die a little and do the work.
Then, a week later, that difficult obstacle is replaced with an equally difficult one. Say, the Regents. Then, say, the SATs. Then say College Apps so on, so on and so on.
So I guess what I'm saying is that those early days of high school when I smoked grass all the time, watched Stan Brakhage and amounted to nothing were so much better than the days I'm living now. The sick part is people are saying "Good work" when back in the smokey loser days people wouldn't even bother acknowledging my presence. It's jarring and it pisses me off.
The other thing that bothers me is how people keep telling me that "my life is ahead of me" or "you will thank yourself for doing work later on" and other bullshit hallmark sayings like that. My life is in my hands, teacher? That's OD. You know why? Because:
1. I can't vote
2. I can't own anything
3. I can't have a bank account
4. I can't go to the Doctor's independently
5. I can't buy tobacco, alcohol or pornography
6. I can't gamble
7. I can't drive
8. I have only recently been able to see an "R" rated movie
9. I can't have a regular job
10. I can't have sex with anyone I want
Until I can do those 10 things I don't consider having power over my life and/or where it's going. Plus, teenagers are fucking stupid. We have hormones spewing out of our ears, were confused, were pissed off and we hate everything (EVERYTHING) that has to do with school, parents or "the man" and for no fucking reason. Science knows this.
So why the FUCK would you expect one of us to make a logical, beneficial long term decision about homework at the age of 15?
I just
do
not
get
it.

Now ask me how I feel?

That's how.

5 comments:

Glen said...

Son, when the shit comes down you'll be pining for these days. The savages are at the gates just waiting for your debutante ball to wrap so that they can twist you into a "productive member." Stab them in the neck with an unconventional life. Gorey's ghost is calling and boy is he pissed.

daniel said...

i hear ya.

King of [Silent] Cartoons said...

I couldn't agree more. When I DID try to do well and got recognition from teachers for it (and sometimes other kids), it made me more bitter about the whole thing because I would feel like I didn't matter in this world unless I filled a homework quota or got a certain grade. It's bullshit, most of it is useless work we will never use, and our good grades make teachers and their schools look good in the end.
And yes, when I was attempting to be a "stellar" student, my stress levels were almost unbearable and in the end, cause for being depressed! By senior year I had had enough and was able to get a home-school teacher for most of the year. Screw you, high school.
Oh, do I have beef with the education system...like you can't believe. I screwed the whole college app thing by just applying to the community college where I am now. You know what? Transferring to a better place will most likely be 10 times easier from here than it would have been applying to them straightaway as a high school senior. Kids, all that stress is purely unnecessary.

Alexander said...

broken link

MaTaCo dot com said...

dear kevin,
whoever tells you that you'll be pining for those years of good old high school and teen-dom, is either lying or a miserable, one-popular-in-high-school adult. hold on, friend. it won't be long. pinky swear that you won't kill yourself before you reach adulthood. we need you. being a teenager sucks balls. and the school system sucks six balls.
love,
corey