Puke-Fest 2009

Yesterday morning I woke up feeling funny. My friend Monty came by and after chilling with him for a bit I started to get horrible stomach cramps. Soon a headache came along with a very high fever. Then, I threw up.

Then I drank some water and threw up some more. 

Then I drank some more water and threw that up also.

Then I drank some water and Pedialyte (so I wouldn't die of dehydration) and threw that up too. 

All in all, throughout the day, I threw up six or seven times. More interestingly, in retrospect I realize now that I was delusional (probably from the fever). At one point I remember covering myself with blankets and saying

"This is our land now, Kevin.

It's warm here. We own it."

over and over again. I actually thought I was going to die. Ask Preston, we talked about it.

I'm OK now, though. Except for the fact that I lost a full 24 hours of work during what has been my most busy week this semester. Balls.

Dislike Button?

Already, you shudder. I don't even need to explain what is going on. If you have a Facebook account you have noticed the "WE DEMAND A DISLIKE BUTTON! 2 MILLION MEMBERS TO GO! JOIN NOW! ASAP! LET'S DO IT YEAAAH!" groups popping up allover the place. I think we have all pretty much grown immune to stupid Facebook things like this but still, I can't help but make a few observations...

When this all first started, some schmucks were under the impression that Facebook was a democracy and that if 1,000,000 people joined a group, Facebook would be forced to meet their demands.  Every day afterwords new groups would pop up increasing the number needed to convince Facebook to add the button. Today I logged in and saw a new group:

"IF SEVEN MILLION PEOPLE

JOIN THIS GROUP WE

WILL GET A DISLIKE BUTTON!"

Seven million fucking people? Are you kidding me? Did I miss something? All for a Dislike button? Holy shit, folks. This is incredible.

I decided to check out what some of these people were saying in the forums. I have never seen such an angry group on Facebook (with the exception of Mafia Wars which threatened I join today or It'd kill me). Reading these comments you would think that something serious was going on. Nope, not actually. It's just hysteria on Facebook. 

Take Donya, for example. She's a bright girl and she understands why Facebook isn't too anxious to have a "dislike" button. She thinks it will be abused by people and create tension between users. Still, what about those who would use it properly?

It's a valid point. People need a way to "SHOW THT THY DONT RLY LIKE SOMTHING". What a conundrum.

Some people are just being ridiculous and proving that once you give somebody something they want more and more. 

Jeffrey, come on. Do you also want a sack of money, asshole? 

My favorite comment of them all came from Aisha. It's simple, it's clear and it gets the point across nicely:

She should look into politics. 

This is all fun and games until I saw the most upsetting thing of all. A young lady suggesting each member of each group donating $1 and coming up with millions which they could then give to Facebook in exchange for a Dislike button.

Isn't that what you would do too? If I had millions I would most certainly give them to a website that I probably won't be using in two years. 

In all honesty, actually, if I had the money I would do everything but give the money to Facebook. That wouldn't even be an option that crossed my mind. I would buy a car and drive it into a pool of Cottage cheese before I gave my cash to Facebook.

Zoe, I totally agree. Let's do that. Just tell everyone to make the donations to Kevin Gannon's paypal account. 

Sleep Paralysis

In one of my classes I'm working on a group project about sleep. Some members were mentioning sleep paralysis which sounded completely insane to me. If you don't know what it is imagine waking up in the middle of the night completely paralyzed. Physically you cannot move but you are 100% mentally cohesive. Many people say that the feeling is accompanied by an evil presence, that a demon is in the room or some shit. Whatever it is, it has been happening to people for thousands of years all across the world. 

This strange happening was famously depicted by Henry Fuseli in his 1718 work "The Nightmare"

Imagine being like that woman. Fully competent but totally un-able to smack the shit out of a little monster sitting on your hips. That is what sleep paralysis is like. What do I think about it?

If it happens to so many people it must be real. Are actual demons visiting us and sitting on our fucking chests? No way, Jose. Why? Demons do not exist, dreams do. I don't know what it is but I'm sure it's unpleasant and a serious pain in the ass. I was happy to say I had no idea what it was like until last night. 

I was sleeping and I woke up. Everything was red and the dream I was just in, someone was saying "Kevin be careful, it's right there"

I couldn't move. For some reason I repeated under my breath over and over again "I see it, I see it" and was looking at a gigantic, hairy lump nestled between me and the wall. I was still. I remember being absolutely terrified. I said to myself:

"Who allows cats to roam free in other

people's homes?"

and this unheard, unseen voice answered in my head:

"It's not a cat. It is NOT 

a cat"

People, I was having a dialogue with someone who didn't exist. I was having that conversation telepathically all while a demon slept right next to me. This went on for at least five minutes. It was the scariest shit I have ever experienced. 

Finally I slowly slipped out from the blankets and turned the light on. At this point, I came to my senses. I knew there wasn't a monster but for some reason I had to turn on the lights. It was really strange. The bed was empty and I sat on it, did some breathing and fell asleep again. 

Crazy, right?

a2 + b2 = The Ladies LOVE me

When I'm in New York I think like a New Yorker. That means I spend a little too much time in the morning picking out what I'm going to wear. I take pride in dressing nicely and over the years it has paid off. When I'm living in Chicago, however, things are totally different. Being a college student while simultaneously dealing with the coldest weather my soft Irish skin has ever felt results in me dressing like a slob. A warm slob, but a slob nonetheless. It doesn't matter, though, because when it's cold everyone looks like they are dressing to do one thing: survive. 

Today's attire resulted from a fatal blow of circumstance. It was cold and I had no clean clothing. I dug into the back of my closet and found a mysterious hat that I keep for emergencies. It has "GCC" written in huge letters across my forehead. I have NO idea what "GCC" stands for but if anyone asks I say it's the name of my company: "Good Chocolate Candies" then offer them some "home made" M&Ms.

Googling "GCC" didn't help at all because it's an acronym used by 18,600,000 different groups.

Where is this story going? Well, something magical happens when I put this hat on. For a reason unknown to me women from all walks of life fall in love with me. 

Yes. You heard me and no, the hat is not for sale. 

I learned this little secret today. Instantly upon walking out of the house I got the eye from numerous young ladies. I had no idea what was going on. I checked my fly and it was tightly zipped. After that my mind couldn't fathom what prompted this attention. I took the hat off and it stopped. I put it on and it came back. After realizing this I left the hat on and I'm still wearing it.

I don't want to get into specifics but today I had many lovely encounters with beautiful women on the street. I was thinking about it all when the allure of the hat reached it's zenith. 

I was riding the Blue Line home, leaning up against the door. There is a partition between the doors and seats on each side and I was snuggled up in the corner of that and the door itself. There were three beautiful women on the train. This is where things get complicated. I decided to mock up a rough rendering of the scenario:

Notice the three women (which, by the way, accurately depict hair color). Each one of them was constantly giving me the eye. I would catch them and they would look away which is standard train riding procedure. Each was staring at me non-stop. I thought about this:

This configuration has never occurred before. It should be reserved for Kings because it felt incredible. I self titled the anomaly as the "Z" formation. If it ever happens again I can die a happy man. The woman nearest to me was staring at the woman furthest from me staring at me, thus reacting and then staring at me too. That is a two degree stare. That is amazing.

The pheromonal energy I was feeling was off the charts and it was unlike anything I had experienced before. Something was up with these ladies. That's when I resorted to the sciences. 

I had a very good math tutor in high school. He tortured me for two hours a week. I thought that by going to a fancy schamncy art school I had escaped the wrath of math but I was wrong. Standing on this train the woman nearest to me smiled, giggled and looked away. That's when it dawned on me...

I was standing in an Isosceles triangle of love. The math started running through my head. On any isosceles there are two like angles. Let's replace "degrees" with "love" for the time being. Through a wink and giggle, Woman #3 (A.K.A angle "B") clearly loved me. That would mean that Woman #2 would also have to love me. The third woman? Well, she's 180 minus whatever Angle A and Angle B's collective love add up to. Fuck that, what's she want from a man? How unrealistic.

What does this all mean? Two out of three. Two out of three ain't bad. Not bad at all. 

OR

My math tutor was too good

OR

The women were actually laughing at me because I was dressed like an asshole and this post proves I'm delusional. 

You decide. Lord knows I have.

Smashed Up Shit

There aren't many things I love more in life than my gadgets and gizmos. From the Roku playing on the HD to my cellphone snuggling next to my ipod in my jacket pocket: these things get my rocks off. 

Since these little guys are so imprtant to me I go out of my way to take good care of them. Still, somehow, when I empty my pockets most of my shit is fucked up.

My phone fell the other day. I was doing something stupid (swinging it an inch above the ground by it's chord like a pendulum) and it fell. It fell, maybe, four inches (tops) and still somehow got totally and utterly fucked up. I have been talking on this thing and dropped it down cement stairs and zilch has happened. Now she falls a few inches onto a carpet and breaks? Bullshit. 

Next to my iPod Touch with a smashed screen and my laptop with hundreds of dead pixels, dents and white spots I'm really in a dark place. 

Japanese Bug Fights

A long while ago Preston and I stumbled across one of the greatest internet gems either of us had ever seen. Essentially, some Japanese dudes buy very exotic bugs and makes them fight to the death. The whole thing is documented, narrated and there are animated sequences in-between rounds with a centour announcing the winner. It's amazing. 

Here is one of my favorites: "Round The 25th". It mixes things up a bit because rather than having the creepy crawlers go on until one dies, it has them battling for balance on a log as if they are sumo wrestlers.

I have been keeping this secret until now. Don't spread the word to too many people, things aren't cool when they become popular (like Smashmouth in high school). 

Check it out HERE

Deep Sleepin'

I suck at sleeping. When I lay my head down to get a good nights rest I can't help but think about the things that stress me out during the day. I think about fighting bullies from my past, telling off assholes I encountered on the train or saving the world from a terrorist attack. Essentially, when I'm finally supposed to turn off and rest my brain decides to work extra hard. It sucks. 

I tried everything and gave up hope. I was looking for advice online (again) and I decided to try white noise. I listened to the white noise machines that were the most recommended. I didn't like how they sounded and decided to ditch the idea. Instead, I downloaded a "Relaxation Track" from iTunes. It's of a soft rain storm with occasional distant thunder. Turned it into an hour long play list, cranked the speaker and before I go to sleep I have them streaming wirelessly from across the room. 

Has it worked?

Holy shit, yes. I have been getting the best sleep of my life for the past few days. I fall asleep faster, I wake up less and I have wonderfully pleasant dreams. It's amazing. In all honesty, it's one of the best things I have done for myself in a long while. I had a picture taken of me last night in the middle of my slumbers. I look so beautiful, so at peace and so rejuvenated:

If you have trouble sleeping too, I would suggest picking a sound you find relaxing and doing this. It might help.