Wednesday, November 4, 2009

a2 + b2 = The Ladies LOVE me

When I'm in New York I think like a New Yorker. That means I spend a little too much time in the morning picking out what I'm going to wear. I take pride in dressing nicely and over the years it has paid off. When I'm living in Chicago, however, things are totally different. Being a college student while simultaneously dealing with the coldest weather my soft Irish skin has ever felt results in me dressing like a slob. A warm slob, but a slob nonetheless. It doesn't matter, though, because when it's cold everyone looks like they are dressing to do one thing: survive. 

Today's attire resulted from a fatal blow of circumstance. It was cold and I had no clean clothing. I dug into the back of my closet and found a mysterious hat that I keep for emergencies. It has "GCC" written in huge letters across my forehead. I have NO idea what "GCC" stands for but if anyone asks I say it's the name of my company: "Good Chocolate Candies" then offer them some "home made" M&Ms.

Googling "GCC" didn't help at all because it's an acronym used by 18,600,000 different groups.

Where is this story going? Well, something magical happens when I put this hat on. For a reason unknown to me women from all walks of life fall in love with me. 

Yes. You heard me and no, the hat is not for sale. 

I learned this little secret today. Instantly upon walking out of the house I got the eye from numerous young ladies. I had no idea what was going on. I checked my fly and it was tightly zipped. After that my mind couldn't fathom what prompted this attention. I took the hat off and it stopped. I put it on and it came back. After realizing this I left the hat on and I'm still wearing it.

I don't want to get into specifics but today I had many lovely encounters with beautiful women on the street. I was thinking about it all when the allure of the hat reached it's zenith. 

I was riding the Blue Line home, leaning up against the door. There is a partition between the doors and seats on each side and I was snuggled up in the corner of that and the door itself. There were three beautiful women on the train. This is where things get complicated. I decided to mock up a rough rendering of the scenario:

Notice the three women (which, by the way, accurately depict hair color). Each one of them was constantly giving me the eye. I would catch them and they would look away which is standard train riding procedure. Each was staring at me non-stop. I thought about this:

This configuration has never occurred before. It should be reserved for Kings because it felt incredible. I self titled the anomaly as the "Z" formation. If it ever happens again I can die a happy man. The woman nearest to me was staring at the woman furthest from me staring at me, thus reacting and then staring at me too. That is a two degree stare. That is amazing.

The pheromonal energy I was feeling was off the charts and it was unlike anything I had experienced before. Something was up with these ladies. That's when I resorted to the sciences. 

I had a very good math tutor in high school. He tortured me for two hours a week. I thought that by going to a fancy schamncy art school I had escaped the wrath of math but I was wrong. Standing on this train the woman nearest to me smiled, giggled and looked away. That's when it dawned on me...

I was standing in an Isosceles triangle of love. The math started running through my head. On any isosceles there are two like angles. Let's replace "degrees" with "love" for the time being. Through a wink and giggle, Woman #3 (A.K.A angle "B") clearly loved me. That would mean that Woman #2 would also have to love me. The third woman? Well, she's 180 minus whatever Angle A and Angle B's collective love add up to. Fuck that, what's she want from a man? How unrealistic.

What does this all mean? Two out of three. Two out of three ain't bad. Not bad at all. 


My math tutor was too good


The women were actually laughing at me because I was dressed like an asshole and this post proves I'm delusional. 

You decide. Lord knows I have.


∞¶•¶¶••¶¶¶¶¶••¶¶¶•¶∞∞∞∞ said...

L OH EL = MAth is beautiful, math is love.

kathy said...

hahahaha this whole entry was just too much for me. you might quite possibly be one of the best story tellers of our generation. well, okay fine, at least of the people i know...

LudwigLongPlay said...

kevin this is absolutely insane that you wrote this. I seriously had a V formation today on my way to school. i felt really scared, i thought i had a zit forming or something. sigh, we're ballin'

emx said...

Genesee Community College

Dman Woman Lover (daniel) said...

I agree with Kathy. Normally, I would've stopped reading such a long story...not this time.

Carlos Galarza said...

Am I the only one who disagrees with everyone. Maybe its just because I know first hand just how many women are always looking and flirting with Kevin. This is just another example and it pisses me off... mostly because you never do anything about it Kev.

Chris Nelson said...

normally to anyone else i would just say your thinking too much. but for you that was just fucking brilliant now everytime i see people standing on the train im going to think of love pathagorean theurm (sp?) fuck i cant spell thank god for art school