Night of the Living Donkey Doo-Doo. In 3D.

If you don't know this about me, you don't really know me: I am a huge George A. Romero fan. Zombie films have always tickled me nicely but in particular, Romero's are the best. They are of a caliber most other films, let alone horror films can't even dream of. They are heavy with potent social commentaries, visually beautiful and humorous all while scaring the shit out of you.

Needless to say, whenever I see something by the great man I buy it. That would explain why I have four different editions of "Dawn of the Dead" on DVD. I had to stop when I realized I was buying the same disc for a different DVD case. It sometimes gets out of hand.

One of the things I saw and foolishly purchased was a recently released film with a gimmick: "Night of the Living Dead: 3D". Let me first explain something that non-obsessed Zombie fans might not know. This film has absolutely nothing to do with George Romero himself. You see, through a strange (and awful) chain of disorganization and naivety, when the young Romero finished his first film (Night of the Living Dead) he never got appropriate copyrights licensed for it. Really, it was his lawyers fault. See, originally it was called "Night of the Flesh Eaters" but at the last minute they found out another film had already taken that title. In a haste, they called it "Night of the Living Dead" but somewhere along the line, their entertainment lawyer (probably a family friend working for free) forgot to copyright the new title. Because of this, NOTLD is completely 100% royalty free. It sits in the public domain for anyone to sell or fuck with. This means Romero himself doesn't make that much money off of the film while many big assholes remake it for little cost and take home some cash.

One of these godawful remakes was the film just mentioned. "Night of the Living Dead: 3D" starred Sig Haig who claimed fame from the Rob Zombie films. I figured "Hey, it's in 3D how bad could it be?" well, let me clear things up. It's bad. It fucking sucks.

Carlos and I watched this together on a dark rainy night a few days ago. We had our 3D glasses on and we were pumped. Once it started we realized we were watching a train wreck. I am going to tell you, in three reasons, why this might be the worst Zombie film ever made. That title, by the way, is a very, very difficult one to take.

1) The 3D is, literally, a form of torture.

Watching this movie in 3D sucks. The glasses don't fit on your head right, the lenses are small so you can see half of the room while you are trying to focus on a TV and they just flat out don't work. You might as well poke yourself in the eyes, cross them and then sit three inches away form the screen because that is exactly what it feels like you are doing. After about 20 minutes, Carlos and I had horrible headaches. We figured enduring the pain was not worth having a foreground that seemed to be three inches away from the background. We watched it without the glasses which also, really fucking hurt.

2) The Character "Ben" is a gringo.

If you haven't seen the original NOTLD don't even bother reading this point. To those of you who have, you read it right. Ben is not black. One of the most crucial and powerful elements of the film is that of ethnicity and race. How, even when rotting corpses are gnawing at us we still can't seem to think of humans as one, similar group. I understand that the times have changed but come on. Now that I think about it, there wasn't a single black person in the entire movie. Looks like the directors are not only shitty at their jobs, but they are also racists. See? This movie fucking sucks.

3) There is absolutely 0 eye for detail.

I wasn't expecting to see a film with jaw dropping art direction or continuity, but this thing was a disaster. Things just didn't make any sense. For example, Sid Haig goes through the entire movie with a shovel. He runs around beating zombies with it for like, the entire movie. On the DVD cover he's holding a fucking pitchfork. This isn't just me being a neurotic asshole it gets worst. The zombies mad no effort to do anything. There were huge panes of glass windows and not once did a bloodthirsty monster try to break it. In fact, the zombies would just look at the closed door and walk away like "Oh. We should let them be and loiter outside of their house for a fucking eternity". Jesus. What a doo-fest.

Looking back at this post, I realize it is incredibly long and I'm pretty certain you don't give a rats ass. I'm sorry. I just really, really needed to vent. This movie is so bad that I actually highly recommend you see it. Why? Because I can't do it's mediocrity justice in a blogpost. Please, for the love of god don't just take my word for it but rent it or something. When you are done be my guest to destroy it anyway possible. Be creative. I know I will.