Monday, November 19, 2007

On the edge of the edge

I, dear readers, am minutes away from losing a very important battle.
For the past few weeks I have been victimized by an onslaught of pressures, deadlines, stale-routines and a general lack of satisfaction. I feel like I have been on autopilot for the past month and I just snapped out if it. My plane is nosediving into a playground of snot nosed kiddos and I (as pilot) am trying (very hard) to pull that phallic lever thing up. Not to save the kiddos. Oh no. To save me. And my Plane.
Homework's been a bitch. Going to school has been a bitch. It's dark whenever I get out of school. It's cold whenever I wake up and when I go to sleep (if I have the privilege). I'm tired of worrying (or pretending to worry) about colleges. I have late homework and unfinished or un-started films. I haven't been out on a Friday night in months. No more massive parties that I used to go to. At first I was really digging that and in many ways I still am. It's nice to get away from loud, drunken idiot teenagers for a while. A long while. Still, the transition is strange.
There isn't really a simple way of putting it: I'm tired. Mentally. Physically. I need to nap but my beds got sharp, dirty springs poking out.
What really pushed me towards the edge of the edge what happened to my camera today. Now, keep in mind, I have been Internet and phone less for a week. They finally started working but every hour or so the Internet turns off, my mother goes ape shit and I have to fix it. It's insane.
I thought my camera would be relaxing. I developed some photos today and came home to find my mother had found some old lenses kicking around. I was very excited to shoot some stress out through the ol' Pentax when to my horror I found that the poor thing had kicked the bucket. I don't know when, or how, but she just refuses to work.
I'm getting her fixed but that was the final draw.
Take my Internet, take my sleep, give me homework, break my phone, fail me, deny me, push me off the 6 train, overcharge me for a pack of cigarettes, tell me I'm too young to drink a beer then say "Nice shot" as I blow off an Iraqi kid's head, make my hands hurt from the cold, knot my hair up, read me the same headlines in different fonts for the rest of my life and shit on my face and say it's to make me a better person. Just don't ever, ever fuck with my cameras. That's just dick.
That message is for whichever god you worship.
What a world...
I need to take a break. Out of the city, completly alone. Somehow.
It's that or:


Mandeep Gill said...

ah! suffering student!
join the club join the club...

mine doesn't involve cameras though.

just lots of erosive chemicals and lack of gloves. the rest is almost the same~


Glen said...

This is life, sunshine; you are asked to carry giant, over-packed bags of shit for other people and to dismiss your own needs. However, just like the inscription on the ring handed to King Solomon read "this too shall pass."

Anonymous said...

jeez pal. i feel you. i really do.
in other news, ben won the insomnia film festival.


Kevin Patrick Gannon said...

Tell him I said congrats.