Thursday, November 22, 2007

Things I always wanted...

...and never got.
Looking back at my childhood I had some cool shit. My folks were nice to me, people seemed to like me and I always had the new game consoles the week they came out. Now that doesn't seem like such a big deal, but back in the day to be the first person on your block with the new system (be it an NES, the N64 or Playstation 2) meant guaranteed cool points.
Still, there were some toys I yearned for but never got. I would beg relentlessly but always to no avail.
When watching television and the commercials came on, I would see the children playing with the object I wanted so terribly. I would see them smiling and giggling and practically inviting me into their blissful cathode world. All I needed was my parents to get me the ticket there. Unfortunately, the following are toys my Mother and Father never let me have. Toys I didn't even get to play with because my friends were all in the same dilemma. These toys represent my lost dreams...

1. Sock'em Boppers

A lot of people have the commercial's jingle memorized. I would say of those people, 80% of them have never touched a Sock'em Bopper in their life. I would also go as far to say that NO ONE ACTUALLY OWNED THESE FUCKING THINGS! I never met ONE person who did. Did you? Exactly.

2. Moon Shoes

Looking back at the commercial now I understand I would have been a tad underwhelmed with the Moon Shoes. Still, I can see myself having a lot of fun as a young boy convincing myself that I was jumping four feet higher than I actually was. I can also see my ankles snapping in half from this dangerous toy. Maybe it's best my parents didn't copp it for me...

3. Mr. Bucket

This puzzles me. I can find nothing wrong with this toy. It's happy, it promotes teamwork and it was only $20. I wanted it SO much and to make things worse, the commercial played ALL the time. Now why the fuck didn't my parents let me get this thing? There seems to be nothing wrong with it! Unless of course you take into account that the commercial says, and I quote: "The first to get their balls into Mr. Bucket wins, but look out! The balls will pop out of his mouth!" Maybe, just maybe, that had something to do with it.

4. Nickelodeon Sqand
I wish I could find the commercial, but for a while Nickelodeon made this shit that looked and felt like regular sand until it was submerged in water. Then it because a malleable silly putty like substance that could be shaped into great castles, horrid monsters or beautiful mermaids. When the Sqand was pulled out of the water *poof*, just like magic, it would be perfectly dry sand once again. Here is what it was like. This does not give it justice:

5. Tiger's Talkboy Tape Recorder

I don't have the strength to write about this. I just feel empty. I could have had so much fun...

6. Crossfire

My friend had this and I was so good at it. His sprayed the loser with water which made for an even more unnecessarily tense game, fueling even more hate into our young veins. One thing this commercial did not depict is the fact that a game lasted about an hour and it often took 20 minutes for either side to score a point.

I realize now that I have a void inside of me where theses toys should be. I think I'm going to buy the Moon Shoes and the Sock'em Boppers and go at a few rounds with my pals who didn't have these toys either.
I promise ill film it and put it up.
Also, if you feel bad you are more than welcome to buy me any of these things.


Glen said...

Nothing a half pint of "Mr. Whiskey" and a an hour with "Lucy The Chatty Call Girl," can't remedy. In my day we were handed a paint brush and a bowl of water and told to paint the house. F'n FUN!

King of [Silent] Cartoons said...

Mr. Bucket! I had it...not for long, but I remember having fun with it. Another toy I enjoyed was the plastic crocodile whose teeth you had to pull out with pliers.

Kevin Patrick Gannon said...

Oh shit, yes!
I used to LOVE that thing. If you didn't pull it out right it would bite your hand off.

MaTaCo dot com said...

i wanted hungry hippos:
hungry hungry hippos
and then voltron. real bad. i punched another girl in the face in second grade once because she badmouthed voltron. right in front of me. can you believe it? anyway, my sister eventually bought me the giant voltron action figure, with all the little guys and the weapons and the enemies a couple years ago, for my birthday. now i'm looking at it, wondering if it fills the void. not sure, but a trampoline definitely would.

Chris Nelson said...

I had the sand, it is still one of the coolest things around but i still want the bloody talkboy recorder i dont know why that thing is still cool. i had a yakbak recorder which was amost as fun it was on a pen i dont know why they must put all things on pens but i was really amused,
and just for the record i have never used or touchedmoon shoes mr. bucket or crossfire i think my parents were hippies

Anonymous said...

dear kevin, nice blog. also i still have some squand if you want to come over and play with it. it's not the nikelodeon kind though...just plain purple.

-mc. z.

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