Monday, November 5, 2007


If you are ever around the lower east side I'm sure you are somewhat familiar with "Rat Alley" (also known as 1st street between 1st and 2nd). Filmmakers may know it as the home of Pac Lab. Pre-pubescent children may know it as the home of Cosi ("the hookah bar that doesn't card") and those just out of rehab may know it as the home of one of the dirtiest halfway houses in town. Once the sun goes down the entire block is claimed by hundreds of huge, fat, disgusting rats. They swarm across the sidewalk, climb on bikes and jump out of trashcans as you get from points A to B. Whenever I am with folks from out of town I'm so certain that there will be rats out that I say: "Wanna see RAT ALLEY?" and show them a good time.
Now, I don't really have anything against the rats: I live a safe four blocks away, I hate the people at Pac Lab, Cosi's was never my scene and I lack sympathy for the sex offenders biting hard on their lips whilst watching "Hannah Montanna" at the halfway house. One thing that always pissed me off was that this block also houses a playground.
As if overpriced film developing, vomiting teens and drooling pedophiles wasn't enough for these children, through some fucked up way of life they have to wallow round' in rat shit.
You may say: "Kevin, why do you tell me this tonight?"
My answer is this: Because tonight I start my vendetta.
You see, dear reader, this morning on my way to school I was walking down rat alley and I saw an older Spanish woman looking around pretty nervous. She opened her bag and tossed four ears of corn and three apples into the grassy part of the playground and started walking quickly. I remembered a few months ago there being birdseed allover the sidewalk in the same spot. I presumed some asshole chose the wrong spot to feed the birds, but oh no. Some asshole was feeding the rats. And I was gonna call her out on it.
I said: "Hey lady, what the FUCK do you think yer' doing?" (I'm good at picking fights with people who are weaker than me), "This is a playground and your feeding fucking RATS?"
She started to say "no" over and over again and picked up the pace. I told her she was a sorry excuse for a woman. I told her (while tossing around some very dirty language I know regret) that someone should sew rats into her stomach and watch as they eat her from the inside out.
She got away.
Starting tomorrow every day on my way to school I'm going to look for this woman. If I see her, I will take her picture. Once that is done I am going to post it up allover the neighborhood. I'm going to send it to the times, the police and even the department of health.
This bitch exposed herself in front of the wrong guy.
Now she's going down.


Elizabeth said...

That's pretty harsh KP, but you have to be harsh sometimes I guess. Like you said, it's a playground. Oh well. Shit happens. You did what you had to do. Hope you find that lady.

Nelson said...

Kevin some day ur going to have a crazy mexican crack addict come and stab u in the back while u are having a smoke while getting your film processed and all that will be left of u is the ashes from the cigarette and the film the rest of you will be eaten by the rats which are under a spell by the crazy hispanic lady. just think about the photo teacher tanya i could see her training rats.

Glen said...

hey, things coulda been worse; she could have been tossing children into the pedophile pad. Glass is half full.

MaTaCo dot com said...

kevin, you are either going to end up in that halfway house or buying rat alley and turning into kevin gannon lane.