Wednesday, August 5, 2009

MEATHEAD #2: Verizon Wireless

Today I was told by my mother that I needed to go to a cell phone store and buy her a new charger. This is New York City, I could probably get elephant tranquilizers and a kiddie pool full of Nickelodeon Slime in three phone calls. How hard could finding a cellphone accessory be?

Well, in theory, it isn't. There are many Verizon Wireless stores around and they all sell chargers. Very stimple stuff. That is, until you add the human element (those people who look like you and me but have "Verizon" written on their shirt?) to the equation.

It's hot. I walked to the nearest VZW store. Stood around for about 15 minutes waiting for one of the three staff members to free up. Never happened.

"Holy shit" I thought. "These guys are busy!"

Another 10 minutes goes by. I find a cellphone charger but can't see if it's the right one (oh, yes, packaging. I will save that for another post...) and decide on waiting for "professional" help. 

More time goes by. I realize that there is a fucking kiosk in the front of the store where customers are supposed to register and wait to be called. There is no sign pointing this out, it's just four touch screen computers at the front of the door. Easily overlooked. Do you know how many touch screen computers are in cellphone stores prompting you to learn about the new bullshit accessory or the power of touch screen computers? Fuck that. Anyone who did notice these things is living under a rock. They expect me to?

I sign in. I'm in 6th place. It says my charger dilemma is a "sales" problem. There are 2 salesmen. Great. Another good equation. Each person handles 2.5 customers and I'm good to go. All math goes out the window, however, when you add one mildly sexy woman and her daughter. 

Suddenly, both salesmen are working on one goddamned customer. With 8 people in line. Total, utter, bullshit.

I'm pretty confident my charger is right. I go to the "self check out" machine so I can get the hell out of this place. Ignoring the fact I'm about to spend $40 on what might be the wrong charger, everything seems to be going fine. Oh, wait a minute:

Robbie Cline (who is on this adventure with me) reaches his breaking point. He insists I grab a salesmen and plead to skip ahead 5 people. I say "this will never work" and guess what?

It does. Thank god. Thank Robbie.

All in all, the Verizon store is run by complete fucking idiot Meatheads. These people are so goddamned stupid, so bad at their job that I could have a pow-wow with them and completely change the infrastructure of their store and probably make them millions. This is coming from someone with absolutely no experience. That is, of course, except for the one horrible experience I had today which taught me everything I should NOT do to run a business. 

Verizon people (except the guy who helped me out): YOU ARE FUCKING MEATHEADS. Go spend your un-earned commission at a very spacious Jamba Juice.


daniel said...

very spacious jamba juice. heehee

daniel said...

maybe i should've added my most recent verizon experience. i tell ya, it wasn't that bad upgrading cell phones. it was the union square one. just a real bitchy sales lady

Carlos Galarza said...

Maybe if the touch screens were placed at the entrances of Jumba Juice they would have been noticed more.

Ezra Salzman-Gubbay said...

You just allowed me to vicariously vent all my VZW frustrations through you. Thanks, Kev.

Chris Nelson said...

kevin you now know why i will never have a verizon cellphone. Their people are stupider than stupid people at mcdonalds have more of a clue of whats going on in the world

Emily said...

Thanks for getting me my charger!

LudwigLongPlay said...

i loved this, you should have a section of top posts and put this at #1 next to the pan-flute diagram post.

love it.