Hold yer' horses

I'm almost completely done moving into the apartment (which is still unnamed) and really satisfied with how she's turning out. Honestly, folks, it's fucking beautiful. It looks better than anything I could have imagined and I can't wait until it is finished completely so I can show it off to you.

Meanwhile, there have been no posts for the obvious reasons (I'm busy as shit, etc) but to those people out there to whom I have gone AWOL (that means not picking up my phone or making calls myself) I'm totally sorry. In a matter of 24 hours I will be back in the loop. Not the North Loop, though. That place sucks.

In the meantime I am perfecting the final touches on my very first bachelor pad.


High five, bro.

Move in

Well, I'm finally in Chicago and things are insane. The amount of stuff that needs to get done in the next few days is daunting but at least I have a lot of help from my awesome family. 

Today we emptied the odd stuff from our car into the apartment and I thought I'd snap a picture of our new house guard:

That little guy down by the fireplace? That's Spuds McKenzie of Bud Light fame. He makes sure no thieves break into our place and steal our two chairs and globe bar.

Gun Review #2

Considering I'm in Pittsburgh right now and I need to wake up tomorrow at 6 A.M and drive to Chicago I really shouldn't be awake. 

Even so, I knew postings have been rare during this exciting time. To make it up to you I have posted the second Kevin Gannon Gun Review. 

Youtube chopped off the last five seconds so when it's finished just imagine me saying: "Yeah, baby" and you should get the whole picture.

Enjoy. Be back soon.

Bridgewater Fair Pt. 2

Sorry about going AWOL, folks. Today is my last day in the city which means I'm frantically packing things I might need for my new apartment in Chicago. Tomorrow we hit the road and take the long drive out to Illinois. 

To celebrate the end of a damn good summer I hit up the Bridgewater fair with Robbie. As mentioned in the previous post there was a scary amount of rain and lightening. Still, during a small slither of sunlight that lasted a few hours Robbie and I were able to enjoy a bit of old fashioned carnival goodness. 

First thing we noticed when we got there was this awesome attraction: The Giant Horse. It cost a buck to get in and boy was I glad I paid the buck. I was going to take pictures of her to post online but felt it's better to leave it to your imagination. This horse was fucking big, people. That's all I'm going to say.

After staring into the eyes of a monster, Robbie and I went to the free "exotic" petting zoo. There we saw a few goats with horns growing out of places they shouldn't be.

We also saw a dead kangaroo. It was never verified but I'm pretty sure it was dead. It didn't move. Even when you threw food at it. 

All was going well. We decided to blow some money on carnival games. We know they are usually rigged but we felt confident. This folks, is when we realized we were in a recession. After spending 2 bucks at a basketball toss (which Robbie sort of won) we got the shittiest prize in history of prizes: a bead necklace. It's not even Mardi-Gras, people.

After spending another 5 bucks we wished the next prize was a Mardi Gras necklace. Instead, Robbie got a stuffed animal from last Halloween. Lame.

We heard some music and wandered over to the band stage. There we saw some 50 year old dudes playing tunes. Turns out they were an Allman Brothers Tribute band. We listened for a bit to see if they would play Whipping Post. They didn't, so we left. 

Walking around aimlessly we saw a cloud appearing. Everyone was silent. Something bad was looming. 

Rain.

Deaded. I like how it looks like that dude just ripped off some cloth from the tent he's walking away from and made it into an umbrella. 

Later that night when tidal waves weren't falling out of the sky we went back to get the rest of our fair in.

We had a romantic Ferris wheel ride,

caught the last pig race

and went home. Overall, a very fun time. Now I just count the hours until I'm out of state. Damn. things are about to get crazy. 

Bridgewater Fair

In a couple of days I am going to be on a road trip heading off to Chicago. This thought equally excites me as it does scare the shit out of me. I really don't want to give up the freedoms that come with summer (sleeping in all day, drinking beer with my buddies on weeknights and being in New York where I should be) but at the same time this summer might have been a little too long and I'm just about ready to put a lid on it. 

Wrapping things up I have escaped New York and am in Bridgewater, Connecticut with Robbie Cline. The Bridgewater fair is this weekend and tonight is the opening night. Unfortunately, a crazy rain storm blew threw and knocked down all the power lines the neighborhood. Obviously, it's back on now but not soon enough. The first night of the fair was cancelled. Balls.

Robbie and I have shot about 200 BB pellets and went threw 4 CO2 canisters. Looks like tonight we have to double that. 

Not the worst thing that could happen.

Twitter

I think I'm late to this show but I thought it would be worth a shot:

In recent times there has been a whole lot of talk about Twitter. A few of my friends are into it and I never really dug the idea. Why? Well, I misunderstood it. I always thought that in order to tweet one had to be at a computer. That is unless they had a $300,000,000,000 contract with Verizon to use one of those fancy phones that connect to the Internet. I don't have one of those so the fun  and impromptu "from the field" reporting that is Twitter was meaningless to me. 

I found out that it is actually a primitive system. Basically, you use text messages. Who woulda' thought? Still, that's not enough for me to spend three or four minutes making an account. I need a real motive. Something that makes me stand up on my desk, raise my fists in the air and scream  to the gods above: "IT IS TIME! I MUST MAKE A TWITTER ACCOUNT" 

It took a while for me to feel that. Then, it happened.

I decided to test how legit of a website "twitter" really was by searching the one thing that is most important to me:

The results were a complete disaster:

It was time for a change. Time to solve this fucking problem the only way I know how: making a twitter account and talking all about myself. 

Enjoy.

Sickly

Being a gigantic hive is difficult but (at least after my artistic revelation) I have come to accept these itchy little friends of mine and decided to live with them. 

Before I threw in the towel completely my folks and I thought one more allergy test couldn't hurt. I'm glad we thought so because I found out I'm no longer allergic to shellfish (my immune system is very fickle) and I might be able to take aspirin (which, seriously folks, would change my life. Everything worth taking as aspirin in it).

For those of you unfamiliar to this process a nurse takes little particles of whatever substance you may be allergic to. She then stabs them into your arm and a waiting game begins. Big itchy red hive? You allergic. Nothing? You good.

Guess which group I fell into a few times?

Hives mean nothing to me and because of that, the result of the test really didn't phase me at all. That is, however, until I started feeling a little funny.

In the waiting room I began to feel light-headed. Then sick. Driving back home the symptoms got worst. On the FDR I demanded that my mother make an emergency stop at Carlos' house so I could heave my ankles.

I did just that. 

Worst part? You know how vomiting usually makes you feel a little bit better? It didn't. I still feel cold, clammy, shaky, nauseous and have a pounding head ache.

Jesus. Having unknown hives for the rest of my life is so much better than this.

Help another artist (this time for free)

Two close friends of mine, Ethan and Valera are, at this very moment, locked in battle with hundreds of other filmmakers for a huge grand prize and potential fame. 

The Emerging Filmmakers Program has teamed up with Howcast and asked young artists to make a video tutorial on any topic they want. Ethan and Valera chose "How To Be a Professional" and it's fucking great.

These guys are hilarious and make splendid shorts. I have always really enjoyed watching whatever they pumped out and was once even in a Film they did. I, of course, got cut. Quickly.

Bastards. 

Let's put that behind us. Let's get these kids the votes they need to come in first place. Go to this link and click on the green thumb. Making an account is easy, you can even use your facebook log in to do it. It takes NO TIME AT ALL. If I can do it you can do it twice as fast and more efficiently.

Also, you get to vote once a day.

Be a good person and support these young artists. For me?

Thanks, sugar.  

Guntease

Here's a promo for an undisclosed video coming out next week. See if you can figure it out:

What could it be?

Good morning! BANG

This is so funny, watch it right now.



Poor guy. Those things hurt.

A Connecticut Moment

I'm spending the next few days here in Connecticut and today there was a tremendous rainstorm. At points it was of biblical proportions but eventually the clouds let up and created a very beautiful, wet and foggy atmosphere. 

First thing I saw was my mother's favorite tent lying lifeless on the grass. The same tent that sheltered many parties from many elements was now just a mangled ball of metal. The storm had completely destroyed it. My mother was very upset and I felt for her but I couldn't help but feel good about having a Theo Jansen piece in my own backyard. 

I went outside to shoot the 1088 but instead felt enthralled by the beauty of the backwoods. Something funny was in the air tonight. Everything was completely still. The woods were windless and the only sound came from the last remaining drops of water falling from the leaves of trees and landing on my head, cooling me off. 

More enthralling was the Bridgewater fog that was rolling over the hill and engulfing the field. I tried to take some pictures but they really didn't do it justice. 

When I got to my shooting spot I fired a few rounds and the noise was so out of place that I just tucked the airgun away, opened a can of Miller High Life and held hands with the girl in the moon as everything grew darker and my relaxation grew deeper.

This photo somehow depicts the scenery pretty well. It's difficult to put "so fucking horrifying that I felt totally at ease" eloquently, but this snap does it for me.

I wandered aimlessly around the woods, got a few mosquito bites and then checked in on the Chickens before going in.

They, too, were having a Zen moment. Aren't they cute?

That walk left me more relaxed than anything has in a long, long time. Nature is funny like that. Sometimes it's soothing and enjoyable. Who woulda' thought?

A New Frontier: Gun Reviews

Yesterday while surfing Youtube I noticed a shit-ton of BB Gun reviews. Unspurisingly, each video had thousands of hits. I'm not the most educated CO2 powered gun nut there is but I know enough to tell that these are shitty reviews. People awkwardly standing there reading facts off the box and then shooting a few rounds (if your lucky). Still, thousands of people watched these pieces of shit.

Being the attention hungry, blogging monster I am the part of my brain that says "LISTEN TO ME I HAVE AN IDEA" started lighting up. Next thing I know, I'm at Walmart (and yes, I checked the Bathroom in hopes I'd get on Kotaku again. Zilch.) in the sporting goods section. The result? Check it:

I bet that within three weeks, this will have a few thousand hits. 

God, it's so easy sometimes. 

Treatment

My good friend Ian Cory (founder of experimental heavy metal group "Random Child") was talking to me about releasing their next album online for a small sum or if he should allow the masses to download it completely free of charge. 

Guess which I asked for?

Yup, my cheap ass wanting some free tunes may have cost him a few million. Good news is now you too can download the new album Treatment right now, just like I did. 

Download here. Enjoy.

Panoramdemic

Last night at an impromptu blog summit Ludwig Persik and I were talking about the power of images (shopped or not) in a post. Frankly, we both agree that people generally read less if there is a shit load of text staring at them without any visual aid every few paragraphs. Usually, I try to never have a boring, plain text post but shit happens and every so often I break my own rule. 

My 3 mega pixel LGENV3 (Verizon, please don't advertise on my blog. I hate you.) is pretty handy when it comes to capturing whatever it is I need to put online. She's always in my pocket and takes decent photos for a telephone.

Still, Ludwig was playing around with my nicer Kodak (which I rarely use) and he sparked a little fun into me. I was also playing around with it today and I realized it has a panorama mode! Schwing!

First thing I did was climb out onto my shitty, dangerous fire escape (which I'm sure breaks fire codes) and took a few shots of the mighty and majestic Houston street. 

That's nice but a little cliche. Needs some more, how can I say this? Beauty.

Ah, much better.

PANCAKES PANCAKES PANCAKES

Here's a scientific fact: I eat more pancakes than you. 

No, don't bother. There is no use debating. There's nothing I love more than stuffing those little circles of buttery fluffiness down my throat so they can live in my arteries forever. At school people who came over usually left with a full stomach and sticky syrup fingers. Everyone has their "thing" and pancakes are my fucking "thing", baby. The best part? It's mutual.

Today I was reading Gizmodo and I saw something that will change my life. A fully automated pancake machine (I love pancakes, remember?) and it only costs $3,000.

This baby cranks out jesuscakes like a mini assembly line of breakfast fairies who want nothing but to keep you satisfied. I could see it now: fill with a copious amount of batter, go to class, come back 6 hours later and have 400 pancakes to eat. Whatever is left over can be used as a mattress.

God I want this thing.

The beginning of the end...

Pop quiz: What site, since being launched, has completely changed how we entertain ourselves, express ourselves and communicate with each other?

Times up. Easy answer: Youtube, baby.

Youtube is the my single most visited site and personally, I think it is one of the most important technological revolutions to grace this earth in my lifetime (that's counting the Snuggie). I'm a ridiculous Youtuber, though not the kind who uploads content. In fact, I don't even really comment that much. No, starlets, I'm a viewer. I sit and watch something with intent and find related videos that grow less and less related by every click. Soon I can't stop and I'm just searching for that "first video high". I call it chasing the Youtube Dragon. 

I figured this out late but Youtube logs every video you have watched (when you are logged into an account, at least). Years of viewing have accumulated into one scary figure:

Almost fifteen thousand watched videos? That's only the ones that are on record. Lord knows how many times I have been logged out of my account and spent entire weekends watching clips of sharks eating things.

Being such a die hard time waster I have noticed changes over the years. For the most part, all of the shifts Youtube have made are for the better. I fully acknowedge that most of these changes are for the better. In fact, the site has improved drastically since it first launched. One changes I'm not too excited about, however, is the slow (but steady) introduction of advertisements.

Usually a small banner will pop up if the video uploader is a cash whore (Cough. Cough. Ignore ads on top right of page...) but those are easy to just "x" out of and watch the remaining video undisturbed. 

No big deal. I'll take it.

Today, however, I was watching a video about a bunch of dudes who grew pot in their house and got busted and to my shock and horror something terrible happened:

An entire, full length ad played before my video. Hulu style. No way of skipping it and most definitely no way of ignoring it.

I'm actually devastated that this has become an option for partners as a means of advertising. Personally, I think it really detracts from the Youtube experience as a whole. More importantly, those precious 30 seconds will add up to months of my life that I already have reserved to waste on other videos. 

Let's pray this does not catch on.

MEATHEAD #2: Verizon Wireless

Today I was told by my mother that I needed to go to a cell phone store and buy her a new charger. This is New York City, I could probably get elephant tranquilizers and a kiddie pool full of Nickelodeon Slime in three phone calls. How hard could finding a cellphone accessory be?

Well, in theory, it isn't. There are many Verizon Wireless stores around and they all sell chargers. Very stimple stuff. That is, until you add the human element (those people who look like you and me but have "Verizon" written on their shirt?) to the equation.

It's hot. I walked to the nearest VZW store. Stood around for about 15 minutes waiting for one of the three staff members to free up. Never happened.

"Holy shit" I thought. "These guys are busy!"

Another 10 minutes goes by. I find a cellphone charger but can't see if it's the right one (oh, yes, packaging. I will save that for another post...) and decide on waiting for "professional" help. 

More time goes by. I realize that there is a fucking kiosk in the front of the store where customers are supposed to register and wait to be called. There is no sign pointing this out, it's just four touch screen computers at the front of the door. Easily overlooked. Do you know how many touch screen computers are in cellphone stores prompting you to learn about the new bullshit accessory or the power of touch screen computers? Fuck that. Anyone who did notice these things is living under a rock. They expect me to?

I sign in. I'm in 6th place. It says my charger dilemma is a "sales" problem. There are 2 salesmen. Great. Another good equation. Each person handles 2.5 customers and I'm good to go. All math goes out the window, however, when you add one mildly sexy woman and her daughter. 

Suddenly, both salesmen are working on one goddamned customer. With 8 people in line. Total, utter, bullshit.

I'm pretty confident my charger is right. I go to the "self check out" machine so I can get the hell out of this place. Ignoring the fact I'm about to spend $40 on what might be the wrong charger, everything seems to be going fine. Oh, wait a minute:

Robbie Cline (who is on this adventure with me) reaches his breaking point. He insists I grab a salesmen and plead to skip ahead 5 people. I say "this will never work" and guess what?

It does. Thank god. Thank Robbie.

All in all, the Verizon store is run by complete fucking idiot Meatheads. These people are so goddamned stupid, so bad at their job that I could have a pow-wow with them and completely change the infrastructure of their store and probably make them millions. This is coming from someone with absolutely no experience. That is, of course, except for the one horrible experience I had today which taught me everything I should NOT do to run a business. 

Verizon people (except the guy who helped me out): YOU ARE FUCKING MEATHEADS. Go spend your un-earned commission at a very spacious Jamba Juice.

Try to do something nice (PT.2)

No, unfortunately this isn't an update on our drunken buddies on their way back to the Bronx. Instead it's another case of when trying to do something nice easily backfires making you look like an asshole.

Last night my buddy Sauce and I went to Ludwig's place. He fell asleep (because he's a PUNK) and we decided to lock the door ourselves rather than disturb his slumbers. 

This morning Ludwig wakes up and goes to get his clothing from the wash room and the door shuts behind him. Deaded. Locked out.

There, clad only in his undies, Ludwig must call a locksmith and pay $130 to get back in. 

Sorry buddy, I will try not to do nice things anymore.

Calling all lonely Goths

Dating sites are getting out of control. Take a look at this:

That's soooooo goth.

Try to do something nice...

Editors note: It's almost five in the morning. I need to be up at 10. Please excuse any grammatical errors. 

I was just awoken by a drunken raucous (living on Orchard street, this is totally the norm). I got up and looked out my window to see three dudes stumbling around completely trashed. 

So far nothing is out of the ordinary. That is, until I saw them all pile into a car.

I'm not a member of MADD but if I see a guy stumbling around the sidewalk, fall, get up and then get behind the wheel of an escalade I get worried. I was about to keep my mouth shut and close my window when the driver got out of his car, bent over and puked. 

"Puked" is an understatement. This guy let out a geyser that went on for about three solid minutes. 

After heaving his ankles he promptly wiped his face and got behind the wheel of a heavy duty piece of automobile. 

I didn't feel right just letting this cat off so I whistled and (without trying to be too much of a buzz-kill) yelled:

"Hey, Boss, be careful driving tonight!"

The guy looked up at me. I thought I needed to elaborate:

"Grab a slice of pizza and sober up before you drive home,

stay safe!"

The driver responded with a long drunken pause, which was fine, as I needed a long pause as well considering I just woke up.

He thought of his response and yelled back:

"FUCK YOU, FAGGOT!"

I was speechless. Try to do something nice and this is what you get. It's rare I ever say this about another human being but I hope this guy ends up in a 20 car pile up on the FDR en route to his home (likely the Bronx).

Asswipe.